Pondering My Own Insanity

Starting off fresh..

2011-01-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

The last year that I went through was pretty much insane. I have been trying to reflect on everything that happened, but I really hate looking back because of how far I have come since it all started. I have made it back into college with the best grades that I have had in all of my years of school, and add in the fact that I am working full time 40 hours a week at a service desk... This is everything that I ever wanted... 19, steady job, living at home, going to school and working out so desk life doesn't end up killing me! Everything seems to be going great for the moment. I am trying to find different things to do (Like getting back to blogging :) ) I am ready to move forward and I hope to bring others with me as I am going on my crazy train. :)

Love
Lyssa

2010-12-08T06:32:00.001-08:00

To everyone that has been here for me through my very bad year that I had, I am sorry for everything that I did, but know now that I am on the right path :)

How?

2009-08-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

I went into the Animal House Shelter and was helping out with my friend. When we started working, I saw and was working with kittens, they were adorable. When we got into the back rooms i saw a beautiful black cat, Then I read the card from above.

I was afraid, how can someone hurt an animal like this, he is nothing but a sweet, innocent black cat. Now, besides the fact he is still sweet, he jumps whenever he hears someone, he gets scared easily but all i wanted when i saw him was to pet him and hold him.

I picked him up and held him, he rubbed his face against mine like he was giving me kisses, i saw his paws, covered in scars and burns but when I held him, all he did was purr at me.

All animals deserve a chance at a good life. This beautiful cat deserves a better life.

The Death of a Pop Legend 1958-2009

2009-06-26T06:48:00.000-07:00

Honestly who could hate his music? He was on the pop scene for so many years as one of the top people, he was who started an era of music and created a venue that hadnt been explored before. He brought amazing dance moves, some awesome songs that stay stuck in your head for weeks, and not only that he was the true King of Pop

No one can take the title away from Michal Jackson. If not for him we would have never had boy bands and while for some that isnt a bad thing, it made my childhood. I was raised by parents that loved his music, and while i love his music as well, I fell in love with Nsync. They were the people that truly were mini-michaels, they based their syncronized movements on videos like Thriller and Smooth Criminal.

MTV while crap now, they were all great when they were actually MUSIC TELE-VISION, When people gathered around the TV to watch the world premiere of Michael Jacksons newest video.

One thing that upsets me the most is that people will not separate the bad habits, with the true artistry that he possessed. I believe now that he is gone, he needs to go down in history as a person that started a generation, not only the generation, but he has left music that will stay in the hearts of everyone.

Talking to the people that grew up with him, they remember the roller skating and listening to him as well as moon walking in skates. He left fond memories in many hearts.

To me, I will always separate the music from the habits.

R.I.P. Michael Jackson 1958-2009

Champions in the Making

2009-06-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

The Chicago Slaughter has been on the scene for the last 2 years, they have been slowly coming out to become an essential part of my life and an essential part of other peoples lives. This year with the absence of the Chicago Rush, it has allowed the Slaughter not only to become bigger but also to gain some interesting and amazing players. Russ Michna, DeJuan Alfonso, Dennison Robbinson, Donovan Morgan, Khreem Smith and who could forget the addition of Bobby Sippio, Those are just a few of the players that the CIFL recieved after the fall of the AFL,

Now that the Slaughter made it 12-0 in the regular season, there is no way that they are going to fall now. Almost every game has been a high scoring game just because these players are amazing and love what they do, as well as giving the fans a good show. Someone like Bobby Sippio makes his mark when he scores, even to the point that they have thrown a flag on him, like this past week after a touch down he took the ball, layed down on it in the center of the Slaughter symbol on the field and then another player laid a Slaughter blanket down on him. It was amazingly cool and creative.

Not only are the games fun, but the tail gating before the game is always something to be noticed, the smells fill the Sears Center and they also make such an impact that a lot of people show up late to the game itself, which doesnt bother me because im always helping set whatever they need up.

The fan friendly environment is amazing! The Slaughter players are extremley sweet guys and they are very willing to stand around after the game and sign autographs because that is just what they like to do, they like to be there for their fans because most of the fans that come and see them are there at EVERY game. Also one other thing to note about the player, they are always very willing to take pictures with you and they are genuinely great guys.

This team is more like a big family, there are always people that are around the slaughter because all of the players and the coaches are amazing, I would recomend the Chicago Slaughter to any and every football fan or even just a sports fan. These players play with more heart than any other professional team I have ever seen.

This team helps with my insanity, it is one of the biggest releases, watching them and screaming my lungs out at the games!!

Tuesday Serenity

2009-06-23T06:21:00.001-07:00

In my Insanity

2009-06-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

In my insanity, I am still trying to find the usefulness as well as the cleverness of being insane. There are somethings that i feel as though my insanity helps me with, and other times i feel as though it pulls me down.

Expressing my insanity is the easiest way for my to express my insanity but sometimes its not exactly the release that I need, sometimes i need the comfort in my life from my friends and my family.

I still wish at times that i could figure out why i feel this way, why anyone feels misplaced in this world and ofcourse I am still wondering how I am here to help

I thank god for my life, Thank my parents for the knowlege and strength that they give me and my friends, Virtual or otherwise for the friendship and the power that comes with having friends.

Although now, I wonder if I will be able to really help anyone in this big world, but if I can help, I will be ready with an open mind and an open heart.

Construction <3

2009-06-18T06:11:00.001-07:00

Part of starting a new path is finding how to make it through the reconstruction, Trying to find the way through the new things in life.

When one door closes another door opens

When life gives you lemons...so forth

Finding the new opportunities isnt hard its taking your life and molding it so that the change is at a minimum.

Now there is one construction that drives me insane, please bear with my blog as I try to reconstuct it and make it better for readers as well as for myself with updating

Love & Peace
Alyssa

Change:
Blind Melon

I dont feel the suns comin out today
Its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I dont
Think Ill ever see the sun from here.
And oh as I fade away,
Theyll all look at me and say, and theyll say,
Hey look at him! Ill never live that way.
But thats okay
Theyre just afraid to change.
When you feel your life aint worth living
Youve got to stand up and
Take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin its time to die.
And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
Some ways will work and other ways well play.
But I know we all cant stay here forever,
So I want to write my words on the face of today.
And then theyll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
Theyll all look at me and theyll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.

Looking for the new path

2009-06-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Looking around and trying to find my new perspective, I see what I have been wanting to see, my life starting right before my eyes. What makes these days different than the past, what makes this time looking around different than all those years in high school? I have been waiting for my life to kick in and with a job, with college starting soon, I believe that I am following the yellow brick road.

Although I am trying to find this way through, I keep coming back to the same guy. No matter what he says or what he does I love him unconditionally

All the Same
Sick Puppies

I dont mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am

I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Sexting

2009-04-06T15:26:00.001-07:00

What should people do if they cannot even feel safe enough to answer their own phone? Students now feel comfortable enough with themselves that they feel it necessary to take photos of themselves, and give it to a boyfriend as a way of showing affection. People need to understand that this is not only disgusting but it is a risk to your character, to your reputation and also to the rest of your life. This new craze which has the law taken aback is called “Sexting”
What is sexting? It is something that has just been brought out into the public as one of the newest crazes within a teenage setting. People these days are willing to trust all of their identification as well as other parts of their lives so now they feel like they can live their entire life, including their sexuality, over their cell phones.
People may believe that felonies only occur when there is a physical contact with another human being. Now not only is it a felony for that, you can be charged with a felony for posting these photos of yourself. In a recent court case a fourteen year old girl posted photos of herself on MySpace for her boyfriend. She is now being charged with jail time as well as at least twenty years on the sex offender list.
When interviewing a junior, they stated “I feel so comfortable with my phone I have every number, every date and almost every moment of my life planned out on my phone, why not have every aspect of my life be on my phone. What are long distance couples supposed to do, drive out and see each other every night? It would be impossible, plus, using sexting could even be safer, even less of a chance of pregnancy.”
Even with understanding that fact, is the text that you send going to make up for whatever it is you are trying to compensate for? Plus the bad stuff will always be worse than what you intend on having happen.
What is the point of this sexting if what might happen in return could be even worse? If at some point these couples break up, they might spread these photos around the schools, they might end worse off than when they started. The photos are at risk to be spread anywhere. The pictures aren’t something that can be taken back after they are sent. These photos are going to defile someone just by taking them, but having others see might be even worse.
Another new problem that has been arising is the “art” of photo bombing which can be as simple as just jumping in the background of someone’s picture that is being taken, or to another extreme where people are going in and edit up peoples photos. Sometimes these cases are pushed even to the sexting extreme.
People need to be more aware of what they are doing to themselves as well as the people around them. Students shouldn’t have to deal with the backfire of a stupid decision that can be completely avoided. Look at people actors and actresses that have made that decision in the past, now they have had to deal with that backfire in their careers.
Think before you text!

Turn the page

2009-04-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

As i start on my newest journey in my life, I am hoping to create something new, by turning the pages on my life. I want to show the world that no matter how long it will take i will change all that I am going to need to to show everyone that people can change.

It is time to create a new and better life for ourselves. No matter how long it takes, isn't it worth it to try whatever we have to in order to make a better life for the future.

I am about to graduate and I feel as though I have changed some, its not enough. I need a true change.

On a long and lonesome highway east of omaha
You can listen to the engines moaning out as one note song
You think about the woman or the girl you knew the night before

But your thoughts will soon be wandering the way they always do
When youre riding sixteen hours and theres nothing much to do
And you dont feel much like riding, you just wish the trip was through

Here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on the stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page

So you walk into this restaurant strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you, as youre shaking off the cold
You pretend it doesnt bother you, but you just want to explode

Yeah, most times you cant hear em talk, other times you can
All the same old clichs, is it woman? is it man?
And you always seem outnumbered, you dont dare make a stand
Make your stand

Here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on the stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page

Oo-ooh, out there in the spotlight, youre a million miles away
Every ounce of energy you try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play, yeah

Later in the evening, you lie awake in bed
With the echoes of the amplifiers ringing in your head
You smoke the days last cigarette, remembering what she said
What she said

He-ey

Yeah
And here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on a stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page
There I go - turn that page
There I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah
There I go, yeah
There I go, oo-oo-ooh
There I go
And Im gone

-Metallica

Come Back to ME

2009-04-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

you say you gotta go and find yourself
you say that you’re becoming someone else
don’t recognize the face in the mirror
looking back at you

you say you’re leavin
as you look away
i know theres really nothin left to say
just know i’m here
whenever you need me
i’ll wait for you

so i’ll let you go
i’ll set you free
and when you see what you need to see
when you find you come back to me

take your time i wont go anywhere
picture you with the wind in your hair
i’ll keep your things right where you left them
i’ll be here for you

oh and i’ll let you go
i’ll set you free
and when you see what you need to see
when you find you come back to me

and i hope you find everything that you need
i’ll be right here waiting to see
you find you come back to me

i can’t get close if your not there
i can’t get inside if theres no soul to bear
i can’t fix you i can’t save you
its something you have to do

so i’ll let you go
i’ll set you free
and when you see what you need to see
when you find you come back to me
come back to me
so i’ll let you go
i’ll set you free
and when you see what you need to see
when you find you come back to me

and i hope you find everything that you need
i’ll be right here waiting to see
you find you come back to me

when you find you come back to me
when you find you come back to me
when you find you come back to me

When hearing that song, i thought about how i would feel if my love and i split up. We have created the most amazing bond over the last year. This has now become something that i think will happen. Maybe if we do part, he will come back.

What should we stand for?

2008-12-15T05:07:00.000-08:00

If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.....

When you stand for something that you believe in no one can shake you, there isnt a person that can tell you that you need to believe something else.

When you don't stand for anything you are more likely to fall.

Coming Full Circle

2008-12-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

When we as people are on the wrong path, our days seem eternal, never able to have to pleasure, but when we are on the path that we want to be on it feels like it flies by. Its a common fact that when we are happy that time flies. Now that this year is so close to a close I am realizing something. We all become a full circle, whether it is in school, or in work, or just in life we always find ways to complete ourselves.

Angel...

2008-11-08T09:15:00.000-08:00

Why do angels fall
But to pick themselves up
We want that good life
Now we have found it
By being angels that float above all
We sail and we fly away
and when it gets down to size
That's all we wanted
Was to fly away
To be higher then all others
Whether we fight
Whether we have all the money in the world
We all have those days
We feel like falling
Angels

Today!

2008-10-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

Life for the moment

Don't look back

Let yourself be free

Let the world stand before your feet

Look at the retrospect

We as people have it great

The freedom of speech is the best of all

I love being able to speak my mind

Without worrying that i am saying the wrong thing

Everyone...

Stop worrying about the small stuff

Let yourself go and enjoy life

You only live once!

Peace

2008-10-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

We find it within ourselves

We strive to find the fleeting peace in the world around us

We live to find that moment

When the individual is above the world

When we find that moment

That is when peace

Truly takes over

Much better...

2008-09-25T01:43:00.001-07:00

Today was great! All the stress of this week has been lifted. Im so glad to see my mom and that shes ok. I cannot wait for this weekend... a well needed break from the insanities of life.

So.......

2008-09-24T01:43:00.000-07:00

School is such a pain but i cannot wait for the next day...is there something wrong with me? I look forward to seeing the faces and feeling the love that people are able to share with one another. My problem is when drama shows its ugly face. I have been trying so hard to stay away from it but somehow it keeps coming back to bite me.
My one release is when i pick up my guitar. I feel a power just rush through my body that takes away all the stress. The problem is in the morning when i have to deal with the people that like to make my life difficult
But for now i'm just going to not let these people get to me and live with love and light!!!

Change...

2008-09-23T01:43:00.000-07:00

Within the past few days I have realized how much i really dislike change. Maybe its because of the fact Im a taurus. I have been so busy trying to keep up with my social life I have kind of forgotten who I really am. I know that its the fall, this is a time for change, but whats happening right now is not a change I want.
If people change are we supposed to just pretend like nothing is happening or do we have to change with them? Are we supposed to just stand idle by and just let our friends just pass us by, leaving us a shadow?
I've had the darkness before, i've been down that road and I know where it leads. Im not ready to go into the darkness, not again.

To my Love......

2008-09-22T01:50:00.000-07:00

I need your help.....

Theres this boy....

That i love....

Hes not beautiful....

Hes gorgeous

He isn't sweet...

Hes the sweetest

He isn't my friend...

Hes my best friend

He isn't the one i want until i die...

Hes the one i want for the rest of my life and all the time after

I love you!!!!!

Today is our 6 month, i can not believe that is only half a year! I love him so much!!

Peace

2008-09-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

I am hoping that this weekend doesn't bring a part of me to an end. I am hoping that i can find some peace of mind to change who i have been in the past in order to change for the better. This past week has been spent with a lot of things on my shoulders and its time to get rid of it all.

Shining Through

2008-09-20T01:57:00.000-07:00

Unemployed Boyfriend By Everclear

2008-09-19T01:57:00.000-07:00

''Hey Peggy, it's me.
You are never going to believe what happened to me today.
I'm sittin' at the unemployment office, waitin' on my loser of a caseworker,
in one of those nasty chairs,
when from out of nowhere, this total stranger walks right up to me,
sits down, then leans over and says something like,
This is gonna sound a little obsessive.''

This is gonna sound a little obsessive
This is gonna sound a little bit strange
I have one thing to say
Before I turn and I walk away

This is gonna sound a little impulsive
This is gonna sound a little insane
I know you don't know me yet
But you and I, we will be together someday
Someday
I know, I know, I sound like I'm on drugs
Listen to me when I say

That ever since when I first saw you
Sittin' on your car outside
You asked for a cigarette
I couldn't stop starin' at your eyes

Ever since when I first saw you
Looking bored in that plastic chair
With the lights of the office around you
Those blond streaks, they look so pretty in your black hair
You look cool and alternative with that disaffected stare
Yeah you want people to think that you just don't care

Hey you can be with me
Yeah 'cause I just might be the one
Who will treat you like you're perfect
Who will always make you come
Hey you can be with me
Yes I will always let you win
I will never be like those other guys
I will never be your unemployed boyfriend

Can you believe he said that to me?
To me, of all people! I can't even remember the last time a guy took me out
on a date and actually paid for it!?

This is gonna sound a little bit out there
This is gonna sound a little insane
I keep having the same dream
You will be the mother of my children someday
Someday

I heard you sleep with that obnoxious guy
I know he is in that famous band
You look so sad when you are with him
Yes I never see him reach to hold your hand

Yeah you can be with me
Yes I will treat you like a queen
I will go to all those chick flick movies
That I really don't want to see
Yeah you can be with me
No I will never let you down
I will never make out with your girlfriend
When I know you're not around
Yes you can be with me
Yeah I just might be the one
Who will treat you like you're special
I will always make you come
You can be with me
Yes I will always let you win
I will never be like those other guys
I will never be like those other guys
I will never be your unemployed boyfriend

Can you believe this? I mean, can this be for real?"

No!

"Then he takes my hand, writes down his number, and just walks away."

Whoa!

Dance like no ones watching!!!

2008-09-18T01:56:00.000-07:00

Stop caring what people think

BE YOURSELF

Don't pay any attention to who's watching you. Because no matter what those people will still be there.

You cant please everyone

The only person you need to please is yourself!

Something to think about...

2008-09-17T01:56:00.000-07:00

It pretty much speaks for itself!!!!

Happy...

2008-09-16T01:58:00.000-07:00

We all need to find time in everyday. A time to forget the world. A time to get away and just be yourself. Reflect on the day and just SMILE

Just be.....

2008-09-15T01:56:00.001-07:00

Sit alone
Play alone
Blast out the world
Be yourself
Don't give in
Show the world
Your the best thats ever been
Be Alone
Try your best
Achieve your dreams
Don't let anyone tear them down.

Sunday peace

2008-09-14T01:56:00.000-07:00

To be alone....

2008-09-13T01:55:00.000-07:00

There are times that we all need to be alone, I find that there are times that i just want to be without anyone around me. Other times i feel as though i want to be surrounded by people.

To be alone you are able to have your own thoughts, your own mind. At time it can be as simple as just relaxing and just thinking. Other times its better not to think at all.

We all need that time alone.

To think, grow and develop personally.

Is it in the eyes?

2008-09-12T01:46:00.000-07:00

Eyes are what make people who they are. They are a persons personality. Their life. People sometimes can just look into a persons eyes and know everything about them. I look into ryans eyes and i see the world. I love him so much for that.

People are around to see into and love you.

I LOVE HIM!

9/11/08

2008-09-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

In memory of September 11th, 2001.

Lost but never forgotten are the people that were taken because of this catastrophy.

Peace, Love and Blessings
Alyssa

Girls....

2008-09-10T01:55:00.000-07:00

LOL

Needed an easy going day!!!!

Its so true!!!!

Banana Pancakes

2008-09-09T01:48:00.000-07:00

Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside...
But Baby, You hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what your supposed to
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Ill make you banana pancakes
Pretend like its the weekend now

And we can pretend it all the time
Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside

Just maybe, like and ukelele
Mommy made a baby
Really dont mind the breakfast
Cause your my little lady
Lady lady love me
Cause I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no work outside

And we can pretend it all the time
Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside
Aint no need aint no need Mmmm MMmmm
Cant you see cant you see
Rain all day
And I dont mind.

The telephone is singing
Ringing its too early
Don't pick it up
We don't need to we got everything
We need right here
And everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Don't really need to pay attention to the alarm
Wake up slow, yeah wake up slow
You hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what your supposed to
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Ill make you banana pancakes
Pretend like its the weekend now

And we can pretend it all the time
Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside
Cant you see cant you see,
You gotta wake up slow

Falling into Eternity

2008-09-08T01:05:00.000-07:00

Copyright Alyssa Garcia
Body, mind and soul
All falling into this life
The beautiful branches
Ever changing
Love in each leaf
The changing of the seasons
Brings life
Then death
Looking into the beauty
Brings power to our lives
We fall into the eternity
Of ever changing

Sunday Serenity

2008-09-07T01:46:00.000-07:00

Kane County Eagles

2008-09-06T01:43:00.000-07:00

Away game today!!!!!!!

Can not wait to see another victory guys! Last week they went out onto the field with 24 players dressed and slaughtered the other team with a wide reciever as a quarterback!!

You guys really are the champions for a reason!!!

Good Luck Eagles!!!!

Santa Monica

2008-09-05T01:22:00.000-07:00

Todays just a music kind of day!! Fridays are perfect for music. Im just starting to learn the guitar for this song!

I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I dont want to be your downtime
I dont want to be your stupid game

With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe Ill find myself a new place
I dont want to be the bad guy
I dont want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to see some palm trees
Go and try and shake away this disease

We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die

I am still dreaming of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away

I dont want to be your good time
I dont want to be your fall-back crutch anymore

Ill walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I dont want to be the bad guy

I dont want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to feel some sunshine
I just want to find some place to be alone

We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die

Lovin Him...

2008-09-04T01:21:00.000-07:00

There are some people that make loving them difficult. Not Ryan. Ryan makes it easy to love him, whether its cute little remarks or making cute things like he did in the the picture above. He is so sweet. I feel like everyone should have a love like this. There is no greater feeling in the world and everyday it gets better and better.

When i was a kid i always wanted to have a love like my parents and i now think that i have found that love with ryan. This is something different then just normal highschool love.

A Daze within Days

2008-09-03T01:21:00.000-07:00

Within the 5 days that i have been at school, I have become in a daze. I cannot stop thinking about the things we have been talking about in school. EVERYTHING relates back to something i want to do int the future... besides gym.

I have been paying such close attention to my teachers. Whether its english or geometry or even science this year. I cannot wait for what i am able to learn this year. The amount of everything that is avaliable to me this year is amazing and i cannot wait to use it!

Friends

2008-09-02T01:38:00.000-07:00

I miss the good old days... I miss the days when your friends had only one thing in mind, when are we going to play? I miss the days when friends weren't decided by possessions and by what music they like. I miss when drama was only something you watched on TV.

In ONE week my drama queens have managed to put my over the edge. They are consistent. They can put anyone into a position they don't want to be in. Myself, I wish that I didn't have to do what I have to do but for me it isn't worth it to have a bubble in my stomach over people I do not plan on talking to in a year or so. These people are current friends but at this rate they will be lucky to get a hello in the hallway anymore.

I kind of feel like a jerk for this post but every time that I try to give the drama queens another chance it doesn't work. My family is the only people I want close to me right now. They are the people that I can trust above all. So I'm walking away from my friends and embracing the love of my family.

Lovin life.

2008-09-01T01:47:00.000-07:00

These last few days have been amazing for me. I have made a lot of realizations and i cannot wait for these next few weeks. i have been in different classes that have shown me that i need to just live for the moment. I have been thinking too much about the future and i wish that I hadnt done that. I know that i need t plan for college. I know i need to get a job and start working but i also need to be able to relax at times. Stress leads to too many problems, with friends and family.

Im just going to live it up with my family, most are only around for a small amount of time and there isnt a chance that i would rather be anywhere then with them!

True Beauty

2008-08-31T01:49:00.000-07:00

Fears..

2008-08-29T01:46:00.000-07:00

With time, some fears are able to fade away while others are never going to go away. There are some fears that we are never able to face though. Its difficult to face certain fears, like public speaking. One of my BIGGEST fears in my life. I understand that there are people that can face their fears but that is not one of them for me.

Fears that i believe people can face are the fears of certain objects or animals. I am deathly afraid of clowns but i think that eventually i COULD potentially get over it. People say that its a phobia. its called coulrophobia, which is the fear of clowns. thats something that you can get over, over time.

Public speaking im guessing comes with time, but i have no want to get over that fear because i am so afraid, i dislike saying anything infront of anyone other then my friends.

So is there something wrong with me that i am like this? Am i too afraid of change? whatever it may be i hope to figure it out soon, because school requires you to be more open with yourself and with your peers no matter how afraid you are.

Learning..

2008-08-28T01:19:00.000-07:00

We all have things that we are naturally good at, there are things that with being taught that we can learn pretty easily too. Currently im in school and there are things i know already that im going to need to pay alot of attention to and learn, this is my last year and i need to do well and im going to.

Alot of people put blocks on themselves, they say that they cant do certain things, like learn, that they cant do better then a d or c in certain classes and i dont believe it, i see that with my friends especially, they are constantly tearing themselves down about how they do academicly. and it bothers me cause i love them and i dont want them to be like that, so i offer my help, i tell them, hey i will help you all the time if you want, just let me know and ill be there or call me, and no matter how many times i say it, they never do.

This is about learning from your own mistakes, if you cant get it down on your own the first time, dont be fighting to pass something when you have help right infront of you. Accept the help and learn that its ok not to do everything by yourself.

Time

2008-08-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

No matter how we try to preserve it time passes us by constantly we see it with EVERYONE. It passes us by and there are even times that we dont understand it, but now i can see that i need to live it up

In the last 2 days i have truly realized that time has just flown right past me. Within the last three years i have had my share of relationships, and shits, i have had my share of AMAZING teachers, some that i even tried to get more then once. I have passed up dances, gone to football games and lost alot of friends over the most pathetic of reasons. AND now they tell me that its over 200 days and ill be graduating, even less if you only count school days, ill be 18, and ill be on my way to college. Ill hopefully still be by Ryans side. and i cannot wait for he rest of this school year, im so excited about finally graduating.

I know its a little off topic but who doesnt love Pink Floyd Dark side of the Moon!

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

Are we always going to be misunderstood?

2008-08-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

We all have our own view on things. People at times have problems admitting when they are wrong, in my circle. We all think we know it all. Now there is a problem with some of my friends that they are repeating my mistakes, almost action for action, i understand some cant get things till they do it themselves but come on, there are certain things that you have to get in life and i think that taking advice should be one of them. i know my last post said that drama queens are on there own, this is just my opinion for everyone, not just the drama queens, EVERYONE needs some form of critisizm or help at some point.

People tell me that i dont make any sense at times, i get that, i do but i think the fact that they are blinded by SOMETHING that isnt allowing them to hear what im telling them.

This is now the point im going to walk away, Friend, or not im walking away.

To my FAVORITE people....Drama Queens

2008-08-25T15:19:00.000-07:00

My first day back to school, im looking forward to seeing some of my friends, and others are who this post is for. I understand that we are teenagers, I understand that drama is part of high school, im not oblivious to that fact at all. My problem is when it comes anywhere near me.

This is my senior year and im not looking to be in all the drama, I have delt with it the last 3 years, its not going to happen at all this year, im unable to give a damn about these people, if they have drama i dont want it anywhere near me. I hate dealing with problems people start themselves, whether its boyfriend stealing and then getting hated or being over obsessed with a guy who used and dumped you, I DONT CARE!

Again i have delt with this for 3 years and it will never happen again, and all im going to do from now on is, im sorry, not my problem and if im an ass for wanting to mind my own buisness im sorry have a nice life hope you get far with all your drama!

Truly, am i a jerk for wanting to live outside of that drama?

Walking away

2008-08-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

This may seem like the wrong thing to do, but in some situations theres nothing that you can do is walk away. I think that in romantic relationships is the only time that you shouldnt do it. With family you can though, they will be able to understand that you just dont want to start a fight with them, there are times thats the only thing that you can do for them. I think its the only thing that can keep certain relationships together especially with family.

Now, in a romantic relationship its only kind of a good thing to walk away. If there is a problem in that situation 9 times out of 10 it is better to talk about it then walk away. With that type of a situation they can think that you are walking away from the relationship by not talking BUT if tensions are high and you really dont want to risk what you have with the person, and you think things could be said that both of you would regret in the morning, is the only time you walk away, but you have to make it clear that that is why you are walking away.

Now with friends. This is a different story, they are normally only in your life for a certain period of time especially with where i am right now, in highschool, friend ships dont make it that far in highschool. its better just to walk away and let the other person cool down and let yourself cool down. With most friend situations it normally has something to do with the drama that goes on at school, so then your not only walking away from the person, you walk away from the problems that they normally caused themselves.

I know its stupid to walk away but there are always situations that it works better then talking and getting pissed at eachother.

Coming Home

2008-08-23T01:25:00.000-07:00

I've been stuck in this whirlwind
My life's been spinning round my head
Long distance conversations
Make up for me not being there

And now I'm coming home
I'm coming home to you again
I hope you feel the same
Now I'm coming home
I'm coming home to you again
I hope things haven't changed

Singin'
I've been locked inside this freight train
Unaware of the normal life I had
Frustration building a foundation
I wrote this song to let you know that I'll be back

Screamin'
I hope you feel the same

I can't stop, can't stop thinking
About what you do when you're alone
Let's cut right to the chase girl
Take back the time, time that we've lost, time we've lost

Love in my eyes..

2008-08-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

Love..

Something few find but even fewer hold onto. I have found who i love. People can tell me im to young to know what love really is, but i think i have it figured out. its the person you cant stop thinking about, and that they cant stop thinking about you too. its the person that no matter what time it is they always find a way to answer a call or text. The person that always tries to make things easier on you. it has nothing to do with the things the person get and does for you. it has to do with how you feel about the person when that are and arent around. it the person that after you are done hanging out with them all day, you still want to be around them and that you really dont want to say goodbye. Hes the person i think about the second i wake up and right before i go to bed. And its also the same way for the other person, thats what makes it real love.

It has been 5 months to the day i have felt like this. im in love with Ryan and even though i cannot see him today he will be one of the only people on my mind, and the only man that will ever really mean anything to me, outside of my family.

Can we open up?

2008-08-21T01:43:00.000-07:00

We all say that we want to be more open with people that, that is our goal with them. We see it all the time in realtionships with family, friends or a signifigant other, we always try to stay open with ur minds as much a we can. There are times that they ont know things about us, even the simplist of things, for example i like to write short stories, and poetry but if you asked anyone in my family on a few would know that i do, my mom and my grandma most likly. my boyfriend knows i get bored and i write but he hasnt even read one of my stories. And thats just a basic example of things that we hide from people.

We all need to be more open with eachother, theres no reason to not tell someone something or just forget to mention that you have a big secret in your life.

The people around you deserve to know the things that are on your mind, if they are important enough to keep in your life, why not have the courage to tell them more abou yourself then just the day to day things.

Can we be explained by others?

2008-08-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we tell people that they know us better then we do at some times but can it really be true? Each person is unique in their own special ways and that cant be changed. We are sometimes able to see things about people before they do, not because we are mind readers or because we know everything, it is because as humans we are able to make intuitive leaps about how a person is going to go about there life depending upon previous actions now sometime people say that they have changed but they are still exactly the same. Others though can make changes throughout highschool and through out the course of a few years.

People cannot figure us out entirly, we all have our own minds and we all are able to be ourselves without being judged by anyone but ourself.

We cannot let others say that they know us better because that would be impossible.

Fairies

2008-08-19T01:34:00.000-07:00

They are called the wee folk, the fair folk and the people of the peace. They are types of angels. They have the ability to fly, to cast spells and they can forsee the future. In modern cuture they are always short and young women, but some are tall radiant angelic beings. Fairies are normally have insect or butterfly wings.

There are times i wish that i was a fairy, i wish that i was able to fly i want to be able to fly away at times and just escape the world. To be a fairy would be perfect i could be in love, i could fly and then i could help ohers find there love and figure out what could help take them away from the problems in there life.

I want to help people and have Him by my side.

Flying

2008-08-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

Flying would be freeing, it would be like having the most euphoric feeling in the world. it would be the feeling of perfect, you could fly where ever you want and do whatever you want to do. The flight is the most perfect flying among the clouds and be free. Nothing could stop us.

Instead of fighting with people all we would have to fight would be nature. and theres nothing that can stop nature but people can be stoped, its all a matter of how you stop them. whether it be looking at them for what they are or helping them realize all they want to do is fly too.

We all want to fly, we all want to be free, maybe if we could all fly maybe we would be more peaceful.

In my eyes....

2008-08-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

Some people have this crazy idea, that they have to be living a certain way or that they have to look a certain way in order to fit in, it isnt true. Some people are able to find there way into a crowd thats just like them and they can maintain their own security. People find ways to make others look smaller in order to better themselves. Some people pride themselves on how they are able to bring down another human being. Look at different stereotypes in schools, some of them end up commiting suicide, some get themselves expelled nd some sit in detention week after week because they are trying to prove they are better then the "system"

We sould all be tryin to help eachother in different situations, trying to better ouselves by helping better others.

Although i kind of feel like im preaching to the choir there are times that we are blind and dont see what we are putting other people through.

On the turning Away

2008-08-10T11:00:00.001-07:00

All of my pictures that i have taken to Pink Floyds On the Turning Away

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we wont understand
Dont accept that whats happening
Is just a case of others suffering
Or youll find that youre joining in
The turning away

Its a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting its shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that were all alone
In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night

No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
Its not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that therell be
No more turning away?

Thunderstruck!

2008-08-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Kane County Eagles!!!!

Some pictures are personal and others are from KCEagles.com

Good luck the rest of this season eagles

I was caught
In the middle of a railroad track (Thunder)
I looked round
And I knew there was no turning back (Thunder)
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do (Thunder)
And I knew
There was no help, no help from you (Thunder)

Sound of the drums
Beatin' in my heart
The thunder of guns
Tore me apart
You've been - thunderstruck

Went down the highway
Broke the limit, we hit the town
Went through to Texas, yeah Texas
And we had some fun
We met some girls
Some dancers who gave a good time
Broke all the rules, played all the fools
Yeah, yeah, they, they, they blew our minds

I was shakin' at the knees
Could I come again please?
Yeah the ladies were too kind
You've been - thunderstruck, thunderstruck
Yeah yeah yeah, thunderstruck

Oh, thunderstruck
Yeah

Now we're shaking at the knees
Could I come again please?

Thunderstruck, thunderstruck
Yeah yeah yeah, thunderstruck
Thunderstruck, yeah, yeah, yeah

Said yeah, it's alright
We're doing fine
Yeah, it's alright
We're doing fine
So fine

Thunderstruck, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Tunderstruck, thunderstruck, thunderstruck
Whoa baby, baby, thunderstruck
You've been thunderstruck, thunderstruck
Thunderstruck, thunderstruck
You've been thunderstruck

Insanity

2008-08-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

Insanity in its truest form is stupidity. People see it every day. People are creatures of habit, they all follow the same patterns. People date the same types of people, EVERYTIME and they always make the same mistake and fall for the person. A friend of mine has been with the same girl over 8 times and now he is planning on asking her out again, to me that is true stupidity. i wish that i could show him how stupid that he is. then again he is a guy...so maybe i am expecting too much..

People need to find the balance in there lives from going insane and being overly sane.

All Summer Long!!

2008-08-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

This song hit #1 the week ryan and i went to Brighton Michigan!

It was 1989, my thoughts were short
my hair was long
Caught somewhere between a boy and man
She was seventeen and she was far from in-between
It was summertime in
Northern Michigan
Ahh Ahh AhhAhh Ahh Ahh

Splashing through the sand bar
Talking by the campfire
It's the simple things in life, like when and where
We didn't have no internet
But man I never will forget
The way the moonlight shined upon her hair

[Chorus:]And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long

Catching Walleye from the dock
Watching the waves roll off the rocks
She'll forever hold a spot inside my soul
We'd blister in the sun
We couldn't wait for night to come
To hit that sand and play some rock and roll

While we were trying different things
And we were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves began to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I'll hear that song and I'll start to sing along
And think man I'd love to see that girl again

[Repeat Chorus x2]

Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long

Why....

2008-07-24T15:52:00.001-07:00

Why do we always question our loves, even though we know that the other wouldnt ever cheat we still accuse them. Whether it has happened in our past or whether its something we believe to be true. People, myself included, do this constantly, and it pushes the other person away for no good reason

I found Ryan, the first guy i have ever brought home to meet anyone other then my mom, he has met my Mom,Dad,Grandparents and my two cousins and they all love him. Then i have met his mom and sorta stepdad, his brother and sister and his step brother and his aunt and her two kids. We have both shown ourselves in our others family life.

I try to share everything with him but its difficult because of the fact that i have told people everything before and then they left, like my best friend kyle who i ended up dating and having dump me. I want to be able to tell ryan everything but kyle especially killed all my trust in my friends, there are a few i had that graduated and left and then there are some that moved away this summer, and some that just grew apart from me.

Whatever way you spin it, it is going to take time for me to grow to trust Ryan and anyone new that comes into my life

Addition To Love

2008-06-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

Love is UNCONDITIONAL as i said before but my problem is wondering if a true love is possible there are people that make it pretty damn close, but there are arguments that happen and i am unsure of whether a YOUNG love is truly possible. I see my parents and the love that they share after 17 years and how they are still in love and happy after that long of a time and after falling in love and having a kid at 18.

They are who give me hope for a young love.

Music

2008-06-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

Music stays with all of us. Whether it be a song or a soundtrack to a movie there is some form of music that we all are able to fall in love with. Music is in the deepest parts of our souls we are able to listen to it and make real connections to our lives. People write it and sing it so that they can try to connect with us.

Music is a lot of peoples escape from the world they use their lyrics as a form of poetry and expression to show how they truly feel about the world and they express it without directly questioning the world itself but sparks our interest and how we look at the world

Change

2008-06-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Change isnt always a good thing there are times that change is for the worse when people dont try anymore, when they attempt to change to be like someone else. That is somthing people shouldnt ever try to do. Individuality is a gift that alot of people dont take advantage of, they always want to be like there friends or like there parents and thats not how the world should be. People base how they think and act off of how the tv says everything should be and that isnt how ANYTHING should be. People need t learn to formulate opinions on there own not based on what everyone else says that they should believe.

When you see the old people that are against having a change in there life because they have lived the same way they have for so many years that they cant change. Its how they were raised and they dont want to be any other way, and if they want something to happen you cannot change there minds. And in that sence CHANGE is impossible.

In relationships you are supposed to be able to change all the time and no matter what happens you are supposed to be able to change for your partner so that your relationship doesnt falter. and you see in alot of marriges today that one or the other is not willing to make a change and that that is why those marriges fail. And that isnt going to change unless the people of today are willing to change.

Love

2008-06-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

Its UNCONDITIONAL. No one can change it. You never give up on anything if your in love. it always stays with you. It doesnt break. it doesnt fall apart. The person that you are in love with will always listen to and you listen in return. Its something that is ever changing and always growing. You will never hear of a love that stays the same because people are incapable of staying the exact same thier entire life, people grow, and they change and a true love grows with that change and not against it.

You see people all the time that say that one person has changed in a relationship but that is impossible they both changed they both realized that they have different needs and different priorities but in my mind that means that they werent in love at all, they just tried to make something work and it didnt.

My entire life i have always seen how young love can actually work against how other people persieve it. My parents fell in love in highschool and 17 years later they are still together and they are still in love. They had me when they were 18 and now 17 years later they arent like most other familys that have just divorced when things got tough which gives me hope for my future.

Love isnt meant to be f**ked with, if its a real love NO ONE can get inbetween it.

People..

2008-06-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

People DISGUST me. You have the people that think they own the world, You have the people that wish they owned the world and the people that wish that they werent in this world because of the battle between the other two types of people. i am in the third group, as is my love. We both see the world for what it really is, a bunch of people that STRUGGLE to try and find he acceptance that they are longing for and it cannot ever happen because each group stays alone, they dont EVER let anyone within there group because the arent like that from birth and thats what screws over the entire world. We STRUGGLE to fit in but we never find that acceptance from whatever group we are wishing to be in, and this KILLS a part of all of us and its a crippler not to find what we want or what we need. The people in the third group LONG for something else, they long for COMPASION and a LOVE that wont fade away or leave and the few that find it are the only HAPPY people in the world.

Some more of my Insanity

2008-04-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

I have realized, all of my friends are extreme drama queens. My own supposed best friend flirst with my boyfriend, and she can say its just her personality but i didnt know peoples personalities forced them to flirt with someone elses man. i understand being a flirt but theres only so much a person can believe. Then there are people that make up bs stories that their boyfriend got stabbed and that she is in a gang and that shes a drug dealer and that her father beats her, but i have been to that house and her dad wouldnt hurt a fly he may bitch but he'd never hurt her, and about her "boyfriend" the name she said he had was the same as her bestfriends actual boyfriend at the time, all the "texts" she recieved were all in her draft box that she made and saved herself, then, as if that wasnt bad enough she made up a pwerson that would come over to her house and left me a voice mail and she pretended to be this guy, AND i still have it so she cant call me a liar. Another friend i have is a bipolar dork, he goes from being completly cool to an asshole within less then 5 minutes, he calls me his best girlfriend, and there are things he knows about me that no one outside my mom and dad knows. and i wish that i could tell him everything because thats how much i trust him, but even though that is true im not sure how fast some of my stuff will be spread if i trust everyone that i think i trust. Then there is my boyfriend, hes probably the sweetest guy, besides my dad, that i have ever met. i trust him not to drop me, i trust that he isnt going to leave me and that he will always be there for me. i dont know why the guy i have only known for a month has more trust then any of my girlfriends, and i think i may understand it. hes the first guy to just hold me sometimes, kiss my forehead and my cheeks and my hands, he holds my hand and doesnt say that its rushing things, I look forward to being around him because he makes me feel like a princess. He calls me his sunshine. and he calls me and talks to me till next to the second i go to bed and it makes me feel safe.
I hope EVERONE has someone that makes you feel that special, because there is no greater feeling then being able o get on the phone with someone and feel like no matter how shitty the day you had was they are always there to pull you back from that day and make you feel perfect.

Things and People

2008-04-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

Through out my life I have met many people. People that have brought me somewhere in life. People that have helped me find parts of myself. People that have brought me a friendship i couldnt find anywhere else. But no matter what, i believe that all these people have a reason in your life and you arent meant to cut them out of your life over a fight or a dispute.
The guy i am currently in a relationship with, i would have never met if it wasnt for a friend we had in common. And he pointed that out to me a few days ago, and if it wasnt for the friend in common we had we probably never would have became friends and probably never ended up dating.
My mom always tells me no to live in the drama, and i understand that certain people cant live without it, especially in my circle of friends. And they all believe that everything in life should be handed to them. BUT isnt that how we all are at times? Just because people spread drama or live in drama is no reason to cut them out of your life. they are people too and maybe the reason they spread this fake stuff is to try to get over what is truly bothering them
You never know what each individual is going through, you may see people with the most expencive of possesions but it doesnt matter, Things dont matter.